There's something about being home that let's me slow down my pace of life. I can sleep in and dress down almost every day, try cooking all the unique dishes I don't have time to play around with, and - although I spend my days in an academic setting - I can actually think. So it was particularly disheartening when one thought kept coming to mind:
I know, in my head, that that's an absurd statement: I'm in my late 20s, half way through my doctorate at a top university, have traveled the world, and on paper, I'm an incredible success story. But over the past few months, this thought has just kept popping into my head. Whether suspecting that my parents health was on the decline and not having the financial or geographical means to help out (side note: they seem to be okay without my assistance)...Or wanting to spend an entire summer with my younger brothers (who love me, but let's face it, are teenage boys)...I kept finding ways that I wasn't living up to my own standard of what I thought I should be. I decided to swap my "academic hat" for my "little mommy apron" back home in Michigan but was devastated when I failed at that. For example, I asked my little brother if he had his passport for his senior class trip to Ireland after the four-hour drive to the airport (he didn't; it was sad for the following 10 hours but eventually, it got resolved)....
And then, underneath it all, was my assessment of my current life.
- Nearly 30 - check.
- Unemployed - check.
- Single - check.
I've done my share of research on "failure" - a seven-letter word that Merriam-Webster defines as "a lack of success" - and so I started by revisiting that. There are tons of cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to try and change the way you think - from writing down your worries to take them out of your head to using the four-question "turn-around" technique (Is it true? Am I sure it's 100% true? How do I feel when it's true? How would I feel if it wasn't true?). I tried implementing the Amen Clinics "brain healthy" diet (and did feel good about losing a few pounds) and worked on getting back into the gym. I spent ample time catching up on all the reality TV I could stomach. All of these came with some short-term benefits but I couldn't shake the feeling that none of these were truly addressing this entirely normal yet debilitating thought. So, I did what I do best: I analyzed the situation and put my thoughts to words. Here's what I came up with:
Lesson #1 - We "fail" because we have the wrong mindset and forget our purpose.
It seems simple but when you're in the thick of a situation, it's hard to get real perspective! I cringed as I read an article that up to half of doctoral students fail (ahh! really?) because we focus on the wrong things. We focus on grades (check), learning too much (check), perfection (check check), procrastination (sigh...), treating the Ph.D. as school or work (side lesson - apparently its neither), aiming too high or too low (check, check, check)...
Solution: Step back and re-frame your mindset.
So, when I stepped back, I realized that this five-year commitment I've made is a means to going somewhere. Yes, I've committed to doing high-quality academic research. And yes, I've also made it very clear I aspire to be a leader outside of the academic sphere. Getting my doctorate is NOT my life's purpose so I should stop treating it as such. I don't agree that it has to be a "monastic experience" - that sounds a little extreme - and the truth is, the way I "enjoy" the experience may not be as enthusiastically or all-consuming as others. I was born to be a D.I.V.A. - which, by my definition, is an advocate at heart - so I have to remind myself what I need to do to achieve that.
Lesson #2 - We "fail" because we are too in-tuned with societies views of success.
Look at one of a dozen articles I've read over the past year, and I'm clearly a mess! I like wine, beer, AND whiskey; my favorite pizzas don't make the list; and - spoiler alert - I'm a black, single woman! On top of that, in my every day life, I'm reminded of the other ways in which I'm a little different. I value ambition yet hold some tradition close to my heart. I love a good adventure but my family comes first. I have several cultural identities, and I'm proud of that. I clearly don't fit the mold.
Solution: Remember role models who have taken non-traditional paths,
and prove society wrong.
and prove society wrong.
Now the glass half-empty view suggests that not fitting the mold is bad but that seems to only be half of the story. A lot of people become successful by following tried and true pathways, but the same "society" that judges the less traditional also applauds those whose efforts breed success. I can think of a dozen individuals whose stories are just inspiring - President Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela - but one of my favorite stories is that of Oprah Winfrey. Long story short, Oprah was born to fail. She was born into poverty and spent her adolescence sexually promiscuous...and sexually abused. She received a scholarship to go to college and didn't finish, instead following her pageant celebrity status and emerging broadcasting career. She is lauded as "the highest-paid performer on television, the richest self-made woman in America, and the richest African-American of the 20th century," but, more impressively, she is unbelievably influential, an honor that she's chosen to use in several circumstances for good. I'm not saying that if Oprah can do it, so can I, but what I am saying is that there are incredibly success stories that show a different sort of pathway. So who's to say that I can't be one of those as well?
Lesson #3 - We "fail" because we somehow think we're destined to.
The number of times I've heard friends rationalize that "maybe, success (or happiness, or you-fill-in-the-blank) is not for me" is kind of outrageous. But then I see all the evidence of a suffering world, and I have to tell you, it hurts. In the last week alone, this, and this, and this, and let's not forget this (hint: racism in America is alive and well) have really made me question the world that I live in. And it's not just here in America! Where I was supposed to spend my summer - in Burundi, Central Africa - is just one of the hundreds of examples that we can find all over the world of how power, privilege, injustice, (and bad luck) hurt some and benefit others. Despite my passion about some of these issues, I find myself wanting to talk about them less and less because it feels like very little is changing, my role in changing them isn't meaningful, and subconsciously, it's too easy to start believing that somehow my reality has to read like that too.
Solution: Remember what Mom used to always say...
As a child, my mom always told me that I could be anything, do anything, if I put my mind to it. I wholeheartedly believed that (probably until my 21st birthday). I can't go back in time and change the trigger that pushed me into a more cynical reality, but I can remember that no one on this earth gets to determine my destiny. Period. Not the professor who seems to want my academic experience to be a constant struggle, or the agencies that reject my funding applications...I choose to believe that my mom was partly right: I do believe that anything is possible. And in fact, her own continual life journey allows me to see how that can be true. The missing piece for me is to remember that we don't achieve success alone; we also need the right opportunity, or momentum, or guidance...
So what?
When I think about Lessons 1, 2, and 3, it's clear that "failure" - as I was thinking about it - is a myth. Merriam-Webster also defines it as "a state of inability to perform a normal function" or "a fracturing or giving way under stress" - but if you get up every day and try again, then how can you actually fail?
In grappling with one of my inner-most thoughts this summer, and stepping out of my comfort zone to put these thoughts into words, I realize that believing "I am a failure" is ludicrous. By no means am I a failure, nor can I think of any people around me that would meet that criteria.
As I enter into yet another period of transition, with struggles that may lend themselves to this negative train of thought, I'll try to more swiftly recognize the lessons learned from before and how to quickly address them. This past month has challenged my thoughts and left me believing that:
"I am not a failure. I am just a work in progress."
